i think this journal has almost completed it's purpose.  i started this to write about my upset regarding annie.  only when i've gotten my things from annie can i truly say that this journal's purpose has been fulfilled.

i think i will be contacting her within the week.  i want my things back before winter break

i think soon i will be writing an email/calling annie . . . telling her that i am coming to pick up my things from her place, and explaining my reasons for not wanting her as a friend anymore.

seriously, how can i ever trust her again after all that i've finally opened my eyes to?  and how can a friendship continue when trust is lost?

but in order for all this to take place, i need strength . . .

one by one, i am letting people know exactly what i went through with annie, all the hell that i didn't realize i was journeying through.

told ellen last night what annie did to me, her treatment of me, and she is just amazed that i dealt with all that.  i remember will telling me once that tina (annie's ex now in italy) was afraid i hated her since she and annie ended things.  ellen told me last night that tina wanted to send me something from italy, but was afraid that annie might come over and see it and something happen . . .

she told me that tina desperately wanted out of the relationship with annie.  i asked why she stayed for so long, but then remembered how manipulative she could be . . .

*****

slowly my heart is beginning to heal, with every person i turn away her.  but it heals with a hatred that grows deeper everytime i talk about what annie did and said

well, i've written a livejournal post regarding the situation with annie, one that is viewable to all my friends except for her . . . so far two have replied and they are just so appalled by what i've been through.

but then, after hearing my story, who wouldn't be disturbed?  people who know annie, the one's who didn't know of this side of her, will now know . . . as long as they have the chance to read . . . it was quite a long rant . . . . 

i really just want her completely out of my life, but the simple fact that she still has some of my things . . . well, i can't cut her out until i get my stuff back . . .

truly filled with rants . . . goodness, the way some people get treated while they are in a "relationship" or casually dating someone . . .

i got used while casually dating annie . . . no one ever saw that coming.  well connie, jakhara and m saw it, kinda i guess, they just never said anything because they saw how into annie i was.  connie had told me that this past weekend, after i told her, david and vince about what annie had done to me.  she said that they really weren't sure whether they should say anything or not, and i told her that because i was so into annie at the time, i probably would not have believed what anyone told me.

connie asked me if she would like them to tell me their thoughts on anyone i get with, and then said, 'don't worry though, we all love michelle'

from that experience, i have to be extra careful if i happen to get myself into a casual dating situation ever again.  i have to be careful not to get so damn attached . . .

i should have seen the signs . . . among them, she asked right away if it was okay if nothing came out of our dating, and though it tore me apart, i said i would be fine with it.  i should have followed my intuition and left the situation.

and i should have left the situation when she asked me if it was okay if she dated others.  i told her i would not be okay with it, but for reasons that i forget, i stayed in it . . . well except for one reason that i did not know, but that my *soul* knew.  my soul knew that this would eventually lead to my meeting michelle   all my pain, my suffering lead to happiness

and speaking of the pain of casual dating, i wrote this comment in katie's xanga :

"katie, he isn't worth it if he doesn't miss you when he's away, if he says he has no time to miss you.  what the hell is that, ya know?  leaving for college does not mean that you can deny the fact that you are in a relationship. 

love does not disappear when one person has to leave for a little while.  if he feels like you do not exist when he is away, he is falling out of love with you if he hasn't already.  and you have to question whether he truly loved you to begin with.  when you are in love with someone, you cannot just stop missing them simply because you are gone. 

when you are away, no matter how busy you are, your heart should be pining for your lover, patiently waiting to be reunited with him/her.

does he even *think* of you when he is away?  does he think of the relationship that you two share?  does he even know the meaning of a relationship?  that there are two people involved, and that both should put in equally into the relationship to make it work?  that it can't be one person expressing their undying love to someone who only expresses his love in return when he wants to?

seriously, leave him and forget him.  no one is worth that pain and you deserve so much better than him, deserve more than what he is "offering" you, if you can really say he is offering anything at all."